Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Letter To Grams With Shades of Hope

(If the video isn't playing, please click here: A Letter To Grams With Shades of Hope to view on Vimeo.)

At Lit Crawl 2008 in Clarion Alley during Litquake, San Francisco's Literary Festival.

Dear Grams,

It’s been five years since you died and I had an itch to write you an update, much like the one I would have given you in your pale yellow kitchen once you waved me in from the window. I’ve been theorizing about the dead for a while anyway, particularly whether or not you all look down to see what remains to terrorize the rest of us.

I envision you dressed in pink cashmere and pearls, your hair perfectly coifed, while gay men, like your best friends Ernie and Alan, flank you on either side. Did you hear their 30-year business and relationship went bankrupt? What a shame. And were you able to catch a hazy glimpse of that garish arrangement Ernie delivered the day you left us? I imagine if you had been there, you would have pursed your Lancome lips around your half-glass of bubbly, and asked Dad to turn up “Unforgettable” on the stereo. Wherever you are, I’m certain you’re still smiling, and I wanted you to know that after two years of hell, I’m finally smiling myself.

I use that bit of wisdom you wrote me on the back of a lined note card as my life’s mantra now, the one from your Christian Science reader that said, “Always do the nearest right thing.” It stuck so that we went ahead and etched it on your gravestone (next to Ernie’s arrangement, which we agreed would be best if it just went with you.)

A lifetime has happened to me since you passed. I finally turned those emails I sent during my two years in Asia into a book, became a writer with an agent, and met the man you always said I would meet. Yes, he took care of me as you had hoped he would, even supported me while I wrote that first book. Bryce was his name, and he could have graced any cover of a Patagonia catalog by kayaking a Class 5 river or skiing off a thirty-foot cliff. He grew a five o’clock shadow after one night sleeping under the Idaho stars, fixed anything that required his keen brain and two hands, and slipped a Gerber knife into his pants pocket with his change every morning. You would have loved him for completing household projects you’d assign him ten minutes after you met. I loved him because of his sensitive heart and the fact that he was a perfect 50/50 mother-father blend, because Bryce favored a brooding dark side. His pupils grew black, taking his green eyes hostage whenever he decided I was in the wrong. And while he loved to cuddle to make amends, he ended up spending more time curled up on the Thai green silk triangular cushion I brought back from Bangkok than he did spooning me. He’d sit on it at the window, for hours silent for days, until the green in the Thai silk worked its way back into his eyes and a smile might just get him standing. When the green returned, that meant his heart might soon follow, and “might” was always good enough for me.

If I knew now what I knew then, I may not have spent weeks, months, or four years trying to get him off that cushion and back into the realistic ebbs and flows of life. Or sulked whenever he got on Craigslist to search the Men Seeking Women once he hit his dark spot, which led him to question his love for me. You see, I never could understand how he couldn’t love me. I was your granddaughter for Christ’s sake and my name even meant “worthy of love.” I also would have refused my role as Bryce’s lifesaver had I known that I came from such a long line of lifesavers. Grams, you always expected me to wait for the man that would adore me, but I lay my excuse at your feet and admit here that I merely followed suit. No man ever adored a woman in my family. My male role model was a loving father who I saw for three days twice a month and the occasional Hush Puppy salesman whose move to win over my mom was to lure me into his catalog of white sandals. And even I knew at age nine that white sandals were tacky.

So at thirty, with a live-in boyfriend, I used my childish antics to survive.

Once Bryce’s moods and attitudes stopped becoming easy targets to pin my blame, I took a two-week trip to rehab this summer, and learned that I could let go of being his lifesaver if I let the love in for me for a change. But don’t worry, Grams, I didn’t just go to rehab this summer, the whole family did.

Sure, most families reunited over cattle on a dude ranch in the Rocky Mountains in order to get that Christmas card photo while wearing matching Polo shirts. The one that makes me puke and others feel envy. Well, Mom, Dad, Laura, Dave, their three kids and I decided to take the dysfunctional family vacation. We traveled deep into the heart of Texas, where the cattle herd only to become slaughtered on a platter as a Porterhouse steak and the families only reunite in order to get their shit together.

And Grams, we had five, 8-hour days to get our shit together.

But let me bring you up to speed as to what exactly brought us there.

After four years of living and loving my moody man, and then cutting the line to finally save myself, Bryce took his own life. I left two years ago this week, and two weeks later Bryce drove his father and our Volvo down a rural Idaho road at a 90 mph clip. He paralyzed his father that day, and spent the next three months bouncing from mental institution to halfway house most likely plotting his own demise until his plan worked. Later that next year, Laura’s husband, Dave, popped every ADD medication prescribed to my nephews, and whatever other pills he could scrounge from their cabinets, and lay himself on the cold cement of their laundry room floor. As I moved through my days dazed in grief, Laura tried to manage, while her family ran itself into the ground. Laura and I had stopped supporting each other, and I ignored her plea at the German bakery in Idaho that summer before when she whispered, “Amanda, get out now.” It wasn’t until we landed in the overly air-conditioned room at Shades of Hope, the best little rehab in Texas, that we realized these problems didn’t start with Laura or with me.

It took Laurie, Ms. Pat, and Ms. Tennie, the Texas therapists who kept us seated in straight back chairs, to help us weed through generations of secrets, withheld confrontations, and a box coined Pandora, which overflowed with codependency.

But Grams, you would have been proud.

On Day 1, I asked the therapists, “I just want to know where this all started?” And on Day 2, Dave, Laura’s husband, read us a letter admitting his thirty-year addiction with bulimia. Laura then read her own, explaining how she dealt with Dave’s disease by shutting down and spending herself into oblivion. On Day 3, it finally came out that Mom didn’t move to Chicago after the divorce so that we could live closer to Dad, but that she left Massachusetts due to the proverbial gun to her head, the one held by the wife of the husband that Mom was in love with. On Day 4, Dad had most of his balls back from that minor shock and happily participated in the group. He took his morning claim and our issues on the floor seriously and introduced himself saying, “Hi I’m Skip. I’m a co-dependent.” I’m certain he was the first white male Republican in Texas to do so. And finally, by Day 5, Mom stopped making jokes to cover up her pitfalls. I think it helped that she had spent the whole night before puking up her emotions (though she blamed it on the Porterhouse steak) and that I vowed to myself that I’d take care of her for the last time. You see, Grams, I found my answers in that air conditioned room, and as I took care of Mom lying on the bathroom floor. None of this started with Bryce, or with Dave, it never does. It started with Mom, and with her Mom, and with your first husband, Dad’s dad, and with his dad before that. Then it trickles down until the secrets become suicide.

It turns out Dad married Mom so that he wouldn’t have to admit to his college buddies that he didn’t think their cement hulled boat would sail them around the world, and Mom married Dad so that she could have babies that would finally bring her happiness. And I sat as a vegetarian in a catfish restaurant laughing out loud at both of them, saying, “Now those are good reasons to get married.”

It took just five days, Grams, all at Shades of Hope. There were shades of darkness and moments of light, but it took remembering your “nearest right thing,” to know that no matter what had happened in the past, there was hope to be had in my future.


  1. I am trying to remember how I came across your page, without hitting the back button on my browse site, because it feels too magical to see with technology. Well, I can't remember exactly. Except that I started on the dating/relationships etc. page, and read one of your articles on there, and then came here. I've now read this entire first page. Needless to say, there is snot running down my face, and tears slipping from my eyes.
    It's been a while since I've cried, and felt the cleansing of the hot tears, instead of the wall of a constant numb ache.
    I've never done this before. Commenting on a website I mean. But I had to tell you, that you opened a door to my heart tonight. I am so many types of broken, that no one could possibly understand. Or so I thought. But there are people out there, somewhere... Your words stir up a desire to survive my hell. The hardest part is recognizing it. Because you are so right, the world doesn't understand, especially in the U.S. It's so hard not to feel like a burden. It always feels like their grief, anger, sadness, confusion, emptiness, is nowhere near my own.
    Thank you for sharing yourself with me. There are no such thing as coincidences. I pray you continue to find peace.

  2. I wish I had been at LitQuake in time to hear you give your reading, but it moved me nonetheless while reading it with your voice in my head. I'm so proud and happy that you've taken the necessary steps to get happy. And that makes me happy. Love you, girl!! - Lori

  3. this is beautiful. i am moved inspired by your words, and so glad to have run into you randomly on our street-food hop a few weeks ago in the mission (with my friends paul anthony)! would love to find out when you'll be reading at the upcoming litquake. best wishes -

  4. Amanda
    After seeing you on the dancefloor last night i decided to check out your facebook page which led me here. What you said echoed in my mind... something like, "trust me, it gets better!" After reading this, I am feeling a tidal wave of feeling and emotion in response~ . You're triumph over challenges and vivid depiction of it all is an inspiration.

  5. It is amazing. It is so simple, but not at all easy. The antedote to such destructive and chronic illnesses, spanning generations--the Truth. We have no idea how much healing can occur when one has the courage to get honest. My favorite quote is, "Courage is not the absence of fear; it is the conquest of it." Thank you to you and your family for your truth and for your courage. I do not believe we have the capacity to really understand how far the ripple travels when we decide to do the next right thing, get healthy, and take steps in faith rather than fear. I do know, that anyone and everyone connected to those in that "air conditioned room" are grateful for the Soul Work that took place "Deep in the heart of Texas."
    Spring Break '08-Buffalo Gap

  6. Thanks, all! It's nice to see that a fellow comrade in treatment, Ashley Judd, also shared how beneficial her time was at Shades of Hope to make her way towards recovery.
    We need to hear more from celebrities in order to affect our culture at the core.